1.3.1 Identify your problem

Introduction

Often, our biggest problem is that we don’t actually know what it is. Until we do, how can we be sure we’re aiming for the right goal?

If you’ve ever felt restless or unsatisfied but couldn’t quite put your finger on why — you’re not alone. We all carry dreams inside us, but sometimes they hide behind more “practical” plans.

Take Jane, for example. She’s a mother of two and had happily stepped away from her career to be there for her children. Now, with both in school and absorbed in their own worlds, she started longing for something more “adultish.” Together with her husband, she came up with a great idea: selling twin beds for other parents of twins. They had the skills, the team, the know-how, and it wouldn’t require a huge investment. On paper, it was perfect.

When Jane came to me, though, it wasn’t about business at all. She wanted help managing her underactive thyroid. Low energy, feeling “underwater,” and mild depression had crept in — symptoms often linked to old emotional patterns. In her case, earlier sessions revealed a deep loyalty to an aborted brother, expressed in an unconscious promise: “How could I be happy when you can’t even live?”

Once she saw that pattern and released it, she gave herself permission to be happy. That’s when we revisited her business plan.

“What if the business fails?” I asked. She was calm — it wouldn’t crush her.
“And what if it thrives?” She simply shrugged.
Then I asked, “If you could do anything in the world, what would you really want to do?”

She lit up instantly. Her eyes sparkled. “I’d open a café. I’ve dreamed about it for years — a special place with exotic coffee, rich chocolate drinks, and homemade cakes. I just never knew where to start.”

Suddenly, everything made sense. The twin-bed business wasn’t the dream — it was the stepping stone. Her true goal was the café. And now she had a path: let the bed business flourish and use its profits to bring that long-held vision to life.

Finding our real goal is rarely a straight line. It’s more like peeling away the layers until the thing that makes our heart race finally appears. And often, the first step is to uncover what’s really blocking us — the invisible patterns or old promises that quietly keep us from moving forward.

For now, take a breath and ask yourself:

  • What’s the dream you haven’t dared to name yet?

  • If everything were possible, what would you really, truly want?

 

Reflection Exercise — Uncovering Your True Goal

“Your heart’s real desire is often hiding behind something that feels safer.”

Get your notebook, find a quiet spot, and take 10–15 minutes for this exercise.

Step 1 — The Safe Goal

  • Write down a current goal you have. It could be something you’ve been working toward or an idea you’ve been entertaining.

  • Ask yourself: Is this goal something I truly want, or is it something I believe is realistic, safe, or acceptable to others?

Step 2 — The “What If” Test

  • Imagine your goal completely failing. How would you feel? What would you do next?

  • Now imagine it succeeding beyond your expectations. How does your body react? Excited? Flat? Relieved? Anxious?

If neither failure nor success sparks a strong emotional reaction, it might mean this goal is just a stepping stone, not the destination.

Step 3 — The Permission Question

  • Ask yourself: If I could do absolutely anything in the world — no limits, no judgment — what would I do?

  • Write down your answer, even if it feels unrealistic, childish, or “too much.”

Step 4 — The Hidden Pattern Scan

  • Reflect on whether any old beliefs, promises, or loyalties might be holding you back.

  • Examples: “I can’t be happier than my parents.” “I shouldn’t outshine my siblings.” “I must always be responsible.”

  • Gently acknowledge them and consider: Do I still need this belief to be true?

Step 5 — Alignment Check (based on Self-Determination Theory)
Look at your “true desire” from Step 3 and see if it meets these needs:

  • Autonomy: Does it feel like it’s truly your choice?

  • Competence: Will it allow you to use and grow your skills?

  • Relatedness: Will it help you connect meaningfully with others?

If it touches all three, you’re likely looking at a goal worth pursuing.

Top Tip: Keep both goals in sight — the stepping stone and the true desire. Often, like Jane’s café, the first makes the second possible.

Take it further: SMART Goals

You’ve probably heard the saying, “A dream without a plan is just a wish.”

That’s not meant to crush your inspiration — it’s meant to give it legs.

Once you’ve uncovered what you really want (your “Jane’s café” moment), the next step is to turn that dream into something you can actually work toward. This is where the SMART framework comes in.

SMART is not just a catchy acronym — it’s a tested way to clarify and structure goals so they’re more likely to be achieved (Doran, 1981; Locke & Latham, 2002).

Let’s break it down:

S – Specific

A vague goal (“I want to be healthier”) is like setting off on a journey without a destination.
Instead, name exactly what you want to achieve.

  • Instead of: “I want to be healthier.”

  • Try: “I want to walk briskly for 30 minutes, five days a week.”

Specificity tells your brain where to aim.

M – Measurable

If you can’t measure it, you can’t track your progress.
Measurable goals give you a way to celebrate small wins along the way — and those wins fuel motivation (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).

  • Instead of: “I want to read more.”

  • Try: “I will read 12 books this year.”

Ask yourself: How will I know when I’ve reached it?

A – Achievable

Big dreams are wonderful, but they can feel overwhelming if the first step is too far away. An achievable goal stretches you without snapping your motivation.

  • Instead of: “I’ll run a marathon next month” (after years of no training).

  • Try: “I’ll run 5 km without stopping within the next three months.”

Achievability doesn’t mean you stop dreaming big — it means you build the bridge to get there.

R – Relevant

Your goal should fit into your bigger picture, your values, and your current life stage.
This is the “Why am I doing this?” checkpoint.

  • If your heart’s desire is to open a café, then starting a side hustle selling artisanal coffee online might be a relevant first step.

  • If it’s not connected to your deeper vision, you may lose interest quickly.

T – Time-bound

A deadline creates urgency. Without it, life’s distractions will gladly fill the space.

  • Instead of: “I want to learn Spanish someday.”

  • Try: “I want to be able to have a basic conversation in Spanish within six months.”

Deadlines help you pace yourself and keep momentum.

Example: From Dream to SMART Goal

Dream: “I want to feel stronger and more confident.”
SMART Goal: “I will complete a 45-minute strength-training session at the gym three times a week for the next 12 weeks, and track my progress in a fitness app.”

Why SMART works:
Research in goal-setting theory shows that clear, challenging, and structured goals increase both motivation and performance (Locke & Latham, 2002). SMART goals work because they bridge the gap between inspiration and action — turning your vision into steps your mind can believe and your body can take.

Your turn:
Think of the dream you uncovered in the last lesson. Write it down in its “raw” form.
Now, use the SMART framework to shape it into a clear, trackable goal.

Exercise: Crafting Your SMART Goal

You now know what SMART stands for — Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound.
Now, let’s turn your dream into a solid plan.

  1. Write down your dream
    Don’t filter or edit it — write it just as it comes to mind.
    Example: “I want to start a business.”

 

2. Make it Specific

Ask: What exactly do I want to achieve? Who’s involved? Where will it happen?
Example: “I want to start a small online business selling handmade ceramic mugs.”

3. Make it Measurable
Ask: How will I track my progress? How will I know I’ve succeeded?
Example: “I will launch the business with at least 30 mugs ready for sale and aim to sell 15 in the first month.”

4. Make it Achievable
Ask: Is this realistic given my current resources, skills, and time?
If not, adjust the goal so it’s still challenging but within reach.
Example: “I can commit to making 5 mugs per week while working my current job.”

5. Make it Relevant
Ask: Does this align with my bigger vision, values, and life priorities?
Example: “Yes — I’ve always loved pottery and want more creative freedom in my life.”

6. Make it Time-bound
Ask: What’s my deadline?
Example: “I will launch my online store by September 30.”

Final SMART Goal Statement
“I will launch an online shop selling handmade ceramic mugs by September 30, with at least 30 mugs ready for sale and a target of selling 15 in the first month. I will create 5 mugs per week until launch, working within my current schedule.”

Your Turn

Your Dream: ___________________________________

Specifically: ___________________________________

Measurably: ______________________________

Achievable: _______________________________

Relevant: __________________________________

Time-bound: ______________________________

Your SMART Goal: ________________________

Pro Tip: Post your SMART goal somewhere you’ll see it daily — your bathroom mirror, your phone wallpaper, or next to your workspace. Each time you see it, ask: “What’s my next small step?”

 

The Psychology Behind Goal Setting

From a humanistic psychology perspective, Jane’s story illustrates Carl Rogers’ (1961) idea of the fully functioning person — someone who lives in alignment with their authentic self. When our goals are imposed by circumstance or old conditioning, they rarely generate excitement. But when they connect to our genuine values, motivation flows naturally.

Positive psychology research (Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000) shows that goals linked to intrinsic motivation — things we do for personal meaning, growth, or joy — are more likely to sustain long-term effort and improve well-being.

Jane’s journey also echoes self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000), which identifies three core psychological needs: autonomy (choosing your own path), competence (feeling capable), and relatedness (connecting meaningfully with others). Her café dream touched all three.

By first uncovering her hidden emotional block, she could reconnect with a vision that met those needs — turning an “okay” plan into a heart-driven one.

 

References:

Amabile, T. M., & Kramer, S. J. (2011). The progress principle: Using small wins to ignite joy, engagement, and creativity at work. Harvard Business Review Press.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

Doran, G. T. (1981). There’s a S.M.A.R.T. way to write management’s goals and objectives. Management Review, 70(11), 35–36.

Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (2002). Building a practically useful theory of goal setting and task motivation. American Psychologist, 57(9), 705–717.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Seligman, M. E. P., & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive psychology: An introduction. American Psychologist, 55(1), 5–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.5

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